“You’re the smartest kid in the world”

“You’re very talented in math”

“Who’s the prettiest girl in the world?”

Hmm, sounds familiar?

And before we start, let me ask you another question:

What would you want your children to attribute their achievements: To their skills or investment?

Let’s say your child got a poor grade on the test. Would you want him to think that it was due to a bad luck, or the little investment he invested in his studies?

The answer is almost the same in every forum where the question arises.

Parents and Teachers all over the world agree on the answer. They all want children to attribute their achievements to the investment they invest. Everyone wants a child who fails a test to tell himself: I have not learned enough, and now I will learn more.

Is this what children say to themselves in a failure?

Well, some are, some are not, and most are not.

Most say: I’m stupid (or weak in math). There’s no point in trying.

Growth Mindset Definition

Talent is a gift, but talent without hard work and persistence doesn’t last very long. Carol Dweck, in her book Mindset, goes through a long list of talented people, in sports, arts, business, and more, who wouldn’t have been successful if they hadn’t worked hard. She also talks about talented people in the same fields, who get crushed by their first failures, because they see success as part of their core identity, which means failure is as well.

We tend to give greater value to innate talent than to learned skills. We like to think about our personal heroes as people with exceptional abilities, as opposed to people who put in a lot of effort and pave their own path to success.

Furthermore, we are used to being rewarded for the results, rather than the process of getting there. For example, awards in college are given to students with the highest GPAs, not students who put in the most effort.

Talented people don’t think they have to work hard, and they sometimes even think hard work is beneath them – it’s a sign that you’re not talented enough.

Growth mindset vs fixed mindset​

Carol Dweck presents two ways of thinking: 

There are people with a growth mindset, that know that talents and skills are developed over time. They are always in state of learning and improving. And then there are people with a fixed mindset, who believe talent is innate, and they don’t change. They are in an ongoing process of trying to prove that they are smart and talented and perfect.

The growth mindset study

In a 4-stage experiment, Dweck studied American children in the 5th grade and tested how they responded to two types of tests – one that tested their talent, and one that tested their persistence.

1. In the first stage, all of the children received a test that was appropriate for their grade level. After the test, half of the student were told “Wow, you did very well, you must be very smart.” And the other half were told “Wow, you did very well, you must try really hard at this.”

That is, the first group was praised for their intelligence, and the second group was praised for diligence. It might seem like a minor difference, but let’s see what happened as the study continued.

2. In the second stage, children were allowed to choose between a challenging problem, from which they could learn something, and an easy problem they would easily solve. Most of the children who were praised for their intelligence (67%) chose the easy problem. On the other hand, only a small minority of the children praised for their diligence (8%) chose the easy problem. The majority (92%) chose the hard problem.

3. In the third stage, both groups received a challenging problem. Here too, there was a difference between the groups: the children who were praised for their intelligence grew frustrated and gave up quickly. On the other hand, the children in the group that were praised for their diligence worked harder, spent more time on it, and enjoyed it (some even said, “I enjoy challenges!”)

4. In the fourth and final stage, the most interesting thing happened:

The experimenters gave the children a test similar to the first one – an easy test appropriate for their level. The results were astounding:

The average score for the group praised for their intelligence went down by 20%. Conversely, the average grade for the group praised for their diligence increased by 30%. That is, there was a 50% difference between the groups, and it was all because of the way the children were praised. That praise created a pattern of thinking, a growth or fixed mindset, that had direct implications for their motivation, ability, and courage to face challenges.

Growth mindset for kids video – see study in action:

A bit scary, isn’t it? Why is praising intelligence so harmful?

There are a few reasons:

• It stresses kids out, it makes them think “Mommy says I’m very smart, so if I don’t do well, it means I’m not that smart.”
• They won’t try new things, for fear of failure, and they’ll see failure as a defining feature, and not as a learning tool. They will think that failure attests to a lack of talent, and will put in less effort.

To sum up, a child with a fixed mindset will put in less effort, try less, and be very frustrated when they fail. And just as important – they won’t enjoy the process…

Growth mindset examples:

So what’s a good way to praise children?

When they succeed, instead of saying:

You’re so talented

You’ve got a natural gift

You did that so easily, great job!

It’s so easy for you

Try saying:

It’s clear you worked very hard

I can see that you didn’t give up, and it paid off!

I can see that you practice a lot, it’s hard learning a new skill!

I can tell you’ve been working at this – yesterday you did it after 3 tries, and today after only 2.

In sum, encourage and praise anything that highlights the process, the effort, the progress – however small, rather than the talent and skill.

When they fail, instead of saying:

At least you tried

No one is good at everything

It’s really hard, it makes sense that you couldn’t do it

Try saying:

Although it didn’t work, what do you think you could do differently next time?

Although it didn’t work, what could you do to improve?

Although it didn’t work, it can be hard to learn a new skill! What do you need in order to succeed?

It’s really hard, it’s ok that you can’t do it yet (I recommend watching this video about The power of YET).

Sometimes in life you try hard and still fail. That’s why it’s important to prepare children for that reality.