Children’s Worlds

It is not that difficult to enter a child’s world (after all, we were once children ourselves…), but it requires you to pause, and remember: Empathy! Empathy!

So, let’s take a look at a few routine situations:

As soon as I got back from school you started getting on my case: “You don’t even bother to say hello?” “Not here,” “put your bookbag away,” “go wash your hands,” “that’s not the proper way to wash them,” “dry them thoroughly,” “why do you never listen?” “Sit up straight,” “that’s not a proper way to  eat,” “don’t play with your food,” “why do you never…?” “Did you do your homework?” “Clean your room,” “do you hear me speaking to you?” “I already asked you to…” “it fell again?” “Do you have holes in your hands? …”

Are you tired, mom?

I am too.

I came back from school tired, and I walked alone, because Dana was talking about me behind my back and making fun of me so I didn’t want to walk with her. And then I wasn’t hungry, because I had a big lump at the back of my throat. And I did clean my room, didn’t you see that there weren’t any clothes on the floor and that all my books were put away? So a few papers got blown onto the floor when I opened the window, why is that the only thing you see?

How many times a day do you comment on your children’s behavior? 20? 30? More?

Comments, comments, comments.

And belittling remarks.

Have you ever stopped to consider what it would be like to have a mom like you?

Try taking a moment to yourself, and reconstruct the events of an entire day, from morning to evening (maybe yesterday? Or last weekend?) and look at it from the perspective of your children – what is it like to be a child to a mother like you. How do you wake them up in the morning? How do you listen in the afternoon? What is your daily routine like? What does free time look like? How to your express your parenting agenda? How does it feel?

How much do you encourage them? Show them their strengths, show amazement at their skills?

We want to raise children who believe in themselves and in their abilities. There is no need to highlight their failures, that’s something that comes to us naturally all the time anyway…

In that moment, when you want her to have good table manners, what is more important? For her to do exactly as you say, or for her to have a high self-esteem and feel supported by you, and not belittled and weakened?

Anything you focus on will grow – the more we look to encourage small, even tiny, positive things, those will grow and expand, in your eyes and in the eyes of your children.

Focus less on how clumsy she is, on how he keeps teasing his sister, on how she whines when she’s unsatisfied.

What do you want your children to think to themselves: That they are nuisances? Clumsy? Annoying? Whiney? Or that they are smart, funny, helpful and cooperative,  and have a wonderful smile?

There’s a story about a tribe in Africa, where every time a child strays from the tribe’s customs, they all come together in a circle, surrounding the child, and they remind the child of his or her strengths and resources. Just the opposite of our instincts, to quickly point out the child’s flaws (and feel like we’re doing good “parenting” 😊).

So, try to be more aware of your comments. And also try to notice – how many of your comments are for the benefit of your child, and how many are for your own benefit?

Do you want her to have good table manners so she doesn’t embarrass you during family meals with your sister, or do you care about her growing up to have good table manners? Do you want him to clean his room so it’s more pleasant for you to look at, or so he acquires good organizational habits?

Hmm… You probably want both of those things. Just so you know, children have a sixth sense, they can tell when you are doing things for their sake, and when it’s for your own sake.

Another example:

As soon as Dad came home you told him: “You take them, I can’t handle it anymore, they’re always fighting, always yelling, they’ve gotten on my nerves too much today, I can’t take it.”

And it’s not the first time that’s happened.

I can hear you on the phone sometimes: “He’s so stubborn about everything, arguing with me about every little thing, it’s driving me crazy.” Or, “I had a really rough day with them, I can’t wait for them to go to sleep and give me some peace and quiet.”

How many times have you said that you can’t handle me anymore? That I exhaust you? That you’re tired of me?

As if I can’t hear. I hear everything! Even when you switch to a different language, I understand.

But what can I do? You tell me to go take a bath just as I finished building the biggest castle in the world! I didn’t even hear you…

You wanted me to come to the table just when my brother stole my ball from me. My ball! He needs to ask first!

You want us to be quiet just when we came up with new (funny) lyrics to the song we learned at pre-school.

You’re always giving out orders, always irritated, and hardly ever smile. You’re no fun…

Mommy, do you know you’re beautiful when you smile?

So what can we do?

There are no magical formulas, unfortunately.

It requires a lot of internal work to be done on your self-restraint, your patience, and on being present in the moment.

You too can understand that someone needs a few moments to relish an important accomplishment (after all, it was the largest castle in the world!), that it’s really annoying when someone takes something of yours without permission (and especially the ball that Grandma gave you as a gift!), and how fun it can be to laugh at a good joke you came up with.

And between you and me, it isn’t very fun to be with someone irritable who is always barking out orders.

Taking this to the practical level, try to think of the time of day that drives you crazy, and come up with solutions to make it easier for yourself and for your kids. We’ve already talked about bedtime and morning routines.

And another thing: when you feel like you’re “losing it”, try phrasing things differently, in a way the expresses your needs without implicating your children.

Something like: “Daddy, can you be with them for a bit? I need some time to myself.” That way you won’t make your children feel unwanted, and they will learn that you too have needs.

A final example:

You’re always asking: “How are you? How has your day been?” and when I start telling you, I can see your whole body stiffen, and your eyebrows begin to frown. Then you start asking annoying questions – “Why did you say something like that? Why did you do something like that? You can’t hate your teacher, try doing this, this girl Dana is no good for you, don’t be her friend…”

So I don’t tell you what really happens, I try only telling you what you want to hear. And it’s becoming exhausting, it’s hard to keep in mind what you like and what you don’t. I’d rather just not tell you anything.

And then you ask, “Why aren’t you talking to me? I want to know what’s going on in your life.” But you don’t really want to know what’s going on with me. You just like interrogating me and making sure I don’t embarrass you. So I escape to go hang out with my friends and you complain that I’m never home. What can I do? It’s unpleasant for me at home, with your glances and interrogation. At Dana’s place I’m accepted for who I am…

Here too, there’s no magical cure.

You only need to listen (I know I wrote “only,” as if it were easy… 😊). Don’t think about responding. Don’t be judgmental. Just be present.

Is there someone you know who really listens to you? How do you know they are listening? How does it make you feel?

Have you found yourself talking to a friend who listens to you silently, and felt like it’s really helping you?

Try being there for her. Just like that, listening attentively.

Good luck 😊

(To practice taking on your children’s perspective, I would recommend reading an occasional children’s/young adult book. There are authors who are very good at seeing things from a child’s perspective. It isn’t easy for them, either.)