The best parenting books you should learn from
(and those you should not)
Great! You have become a parent!
Parenting is a wonderful experience!
Well, whom are we kidding?
The word “challenging” is waaaaay far from describing how it is to be a parent. Problem is, that a child doesn’t come with an instruction manual. So we go on forums, hear advice from experts, parents and friends, and somehow become more confused.
Some advice provided in these types of books can often be rather extreme (“never allow your kids to get any grade less than an A”-Tiger Mother) and some make you think that you will create a manipulator monster and that the parent is responsible for every emotion their child has (No-Drama Discipline).
However, it’s important not to dismiss parenting books altogether. After all, there are millions of parents with more experience and childcare professionals all over the world who might just know a thing or two about parenting that you don’t. At the end of the day, anything you read in a parenting book should be taken with a grain of salt. it’s just as bad to adhere to the advice of others as though it were law as it is to ignore knowledgeable advice altogether.
Ultimately, it is important to keep in mind that you know your child better than anyone else does. Just listen to them and their needs and trust your good parenting instincts to guide you.
I know – after being with your kids all day, or even 4 (full) hours since you took them from their kindergarten or school, probably the last thing you want to do is read about how to raise your kids. You just want your snack and Grey’s Anatomy!
I also know you want to do the right thing for your child (and probably the right thing will be to save a little extra money for therapy, so your children will easily be able to blame you in everything, while comfortably sitting on the psychologist’s couch.)
But for those little moments that you actually want to be a better parent and learn something new, I have collected a list that will point you in the right direction while making sure you know which parenting tips and tactics to stay far away from.
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Parenting Books you should learn from
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Well, this is the Bible of parenting books.
It’s not just a guiding book for parents – it is a whole different worldview.
The writers call on parents, not just to listen to their kids, but to recognize the experience of the other side. When we choose to put words and feelings into the world, we want to get feedback. “Your message has been accepted, I am trying to understand you.” As long as that permit is not given to us, and instead the space is full of excuses, explanations, and other people’s worldviews, we feel that our words have not been heard and our feelings have no place. When our children experience it again and again in an environment that does not encourage communication, they will simply stop talking and listening to us and express their feelings by shouting, crying, shutting down, and perhaps even becoming violent.
The writers call on parents, not just to listen to their kids, but to recognize the experience of the other side. When we choose to put words and feelings into the world, we want to get feedback. “Your message has been accepted, I am trying to understand you.” As long as that permit is not given to us, and instead the space is full of excuses, explanations, and other people’s worldviews, we feel that our words have not been heard and our feelings have no place. When our children experience it again and again in an environment that does not encourage communication, they will simply stop talking and listening to us and express their feelings by shouting, crying, shutting down, and perhaps even becoming violent.
The book is trying to solve common problems and build foundations for lasting relationships, including innovative ways to:
· Cope with your child’s negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment
· Express your strong feelings without being hurtful
· Engage your child’s willing cooperation
· Set firm limits and maintain goodwill
· Use alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline
· Understand the difference between helpful and unhelpful praise
· Resolve family conflicts peacefully
For example, the first chapter is all about helping children deal with their feelings.
It doesn’t matter that the fact that you just ran out of chocolate cookies does not excite you as much it excited your kid (heartbreak…) or that you are tired from hearing about today’s fights; do not cancel your children’s feelings.
The writers give some advice:
- Listen to them with full attention; look at the child when they speak.
- Acknowledge with a word or a sound; “Oh…”,“Hm.”
- Try to name the child’s feeling; “That can feel scary.” “That sounds embarrassing.”
- Give them what they desire in an imaginative way: “I wish I had a giant magic stick, and I would create some chocolate cookies in a second!”
The book talks about other topics too:
- Engaging cooperation
- Alternatives to punishments
- Encouraging autonomy
- Descriptive praise
- Freeing children from playing roles
What I have taken from this book:
- To listen fully (and not do anything else – although the pile of laundry is looking at me…).
- To make up things and fill what they want with imagination. I also use a lot of humor (and robotic voice) and that helps most of the time.
- Not to deny their feelings (instead of “You can’t be hungry now. You just ate!” say “Hmm, you still feel like eating something… you want another pancake or an apple?”).
- To write notes. Kids just LOVE notes: when the last apple is eaten by the evil big brother, it helps to write a big note on the fridge: buy apples! (with a lousy drawing of an apple).
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- Sometimes, it’s not enough just to name the feeling. An extreme example that I read in some forum will be: “Mom, I’m hungry.” “I understand you are hungry.” The need here is for food (more than just sympathy), so you need to pay attention to what the kid needs now.
- You can’t use those tools as “do abc, get ” Our relationship with our kids is a whole system and needs to be treated in many areas. However, this book helps with both practical and theoretical subjects that can assist you.
All of this is written in an easy to read style, with animation and “do/don’t”, and basically written as a workshop with q&a and lots of examples. I wouldn’t recommend the audio book but the book itself (paper :-)).
If you only want to read one parenting book – read this one.
Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
by Pamela Druckerman
Do French kids throw food?
The first time Pamela Druckerman, an American journalist, traveled with her family outside Paris, the city where they live, she experienced a humiliating experience. Druckerman and her family stopped to eat in a small restaurant with their toddler daughter, who was then a year and a half old. “I thought it was a good idea to invite a spaghetti girl,” she writes.
To her regret, the place looked like a battleground. The bags of sugar and salt were ripped open by the girl, the strips of spaghetti were thrown in all directions, and the diners were hurt. After a short while, the girl screamed to get off the chair and started running among the diners, disturbing the waiters’ movement. “We left the restaurant in disgrace, leaving an astronomical tip for apology and piles of torn napkins and pieces of calamari and spaghetti on the floor,” she concludes.
I don’t know if that was the Constructive event for Druckerman, but when she moved to France, she noticed that French children slept through the night by two or three months old. They ate braised leeks. They played by themselves while their parents sipped coffee. And yet French kids were still boisterous, curious, and creative.
Why? How?
With a notebook stashed in her diaper bag, Druckerman set out to investigate—and wound up sparking a national debate on parenting. Researched over three years and written in her warm, funny voice, Bringing Up Bébé is deeply wise, charmingly told, and destined to become a classic resource for American parents.
What I have taken from this book:
- How to say “no” and stay alive. I mean, I should be more consistent when I say “no”, and to use what one Jewish Rabbi said: “Say as little No as you can. But when you say “no” – stay still as a mountain.”
- To give priority to your relationship with your partner. I enjoyed reading that the French have a different take on the family unit. I am a big fan of the idea of a more balanced family unit that recognizes parents as individuals with personal wants and needs (that actually want to finish dinner without someone that collapses in a tantrum near them). The French claim the quality of life of the parents during the 18 years of raising the child is no less important than their educational achievements during this period. And what is even more important for them is to maintain a couple relationship when the children leave their parents’ home.
- I liked a lot of the tips about food, such as kids should try and taste anything. We should limit snacks (preferably at a fixed time) and serve more vegetables.
- I found it interesting to read about other cultures and their way of raising kids. I feel like reading more about those subjects.
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- This book aroused controversy in the US, probably because of the dichotomy between the definitions of “American parenting” and “French parenting” (Pretentious and judgmental?…). I’d suggest ignoring those definitions and read it as an entertaining story of a process that the writer is telling us about herself, not as a typical parenting guide.
- I didn’t take any advice from the part that talks about babies.
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
As a psychology freak, I always like to read what science says about our behavior.
This book is one of the most influential books in understanding how to work with children in order to solve their problem behavior. It explains why children act the way they do, and what is going on in their brains during the process.
It also provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears—without causing a scene. It does so by highlighting the fascinating link between a child’s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior (it addresses discipline from a brain development standpoint.)
The writers explain how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth. By doing so, the cycle of negative behavior (and punishment) is essentially brought to a halt, as problem solving becomes a win/win situation. Inside this sanity-saving guide, you’ll discover:
- Strategies that help parents identify their own discipline philosophy—and master the best methods to communicate the lessons they are trying to impart
- Facts on child brain development—and what kind of discipline is most appropriate and constructive at all ages and stages
- The way to connect with a child calmly and lovingly —no matter how extreme the behavior—while still setting clear and consistent limits
- Tips for navigating your child through a tantrum to achieve insight, empathy, and repair
- Twenty discipline mistakes even the best parents make—and how to stay focused on the principles of whole-brain parenting and discipline techniques
What I have taken from this book:
- During a drama, take a nanosecond before we react–simply ask why the kid is acting this way? It doesn’t mean that I am glad he throws all the papers on the floor, but if I know that a friend hurt him today, it will change my reaction to this scene (or at least, lower my octaves).
- This book helped me see that my children don’t always have the ability to behave like I think they should because they may be tired, hungry, over-stimulated. . . I probably knew that, but it’s good to remember…
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- After I read about half of it, I found that the same basic ideas are repeated in many different ways. I know that sometimes it can help to absorb the new skill, but I thought the writers could cut the book a little.
- While there is good information, it is a little too touchy-feely. It is important to attend to a child’s emotional experience at the moment. However, emotionally communicating and connecting with your child is useless without some strong understanding and use of Behavior Theories as well.
- Some ideas can make you think that you will create a manipulator monster and that the parent is responsible for every emotion their child has. Also, some of the ideas were apologetic to my thinking.
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame
by Janet Lansbury
We all dread “The Terrible Twos”, but despite how it may seem there actually is a perfectly logical explanation behind your toddler’s bad behavior. Luckily, putting an end to it is as simple as understanding the root of the problem.
Parenting expert Janet Lansbury has written everything you could ever want to know about parenting a toddler, even an exceptionally “willful” one, in this book.
I also know you want to do the right thing for your child (and probably the right thing will be to save a little extra money for therapy, so your children will easily be able to blame you in everything, while comfortably sitting on the psychologist’s couch.)
But for those little moments that you actually want to be a better parent and learn something new, I have collected a list that will point you in the right direction while making sure you know which parenting tips and tactics to stay far away from.
Things to Take Away From this Book:
- Toddlers act up because they feel compelled to test the limits of their newfound independence; Understanding this will help you to better manage the hitting, kicking, all-out tantrum throwing and even occasional biting that can occur often among children in this age range.
- Extreme behavior is carried out because toddlers want to be reigned in by you. This will make them feel secure, and help them to develop trust and respect towards you.
- You should not discipline a toddler who acts out, instead, use it as an opportunity to set, and reinforce boundaries from an early age. This will positively contribute to their behavior and cooperation skills later in life, even during their teenage years!
- Learn how to see life and situations through the eyes of a toddler so you can better understand how to address undesirable behavior in ways that are effective.
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- Janet Lansbury’s view in this book often comes across as that of someone who has the patience of a saint, and all the time in the world to apply that patience when it comes to their toddler. It often seems to ignore the fact that many parents have to use consequences such as, “You’d better [fill in the blank] by the time I count to three” to ensure their toddler’s behavior does not make them late for important obligations such as work.
- While it is important for children to learn boundaries without being made to feel like receiving constructive criticism on their behavior is a shameful thing, teaching children to apologize is equally important. This book suggests that if your toddler hits someone, you shouldn’t make them feel bad about it however, a sense of shame about doing something mean will teach a child empathy.
- This book teaches you to not say things like, “Please stop doing that”, and instead say things like, “I know you like to throw your toy car across the room but you could hit something. I’m going to help you find a different activity.” While that may be a helpful technique to use with older children or EXTREMELY gifted and talented toddlers, most of them will have absolutely no idea what you’re saying.
- In some respects, certain parts of this book encourage you to let your toddler run your household and the lives of everyone living in the home. Hmm, need more thinking here J
How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap
and Prepare Your Kid for Success
by Julie Lythcott-Haims
Sometimes having children makes you forget that you’re not really raising a child; You’re preparing a future adult to live in the real world. We’ve all met those people in our lives who were clearly never taught by their parents to function as adults and we certainly don’t want our own children to become “those people” later in life.
This book teaches how “overparenting”, an an-all-too-often mistake made by parents, can actually do far more harm than good when it comes to your child’s future. Written by fellow-parent Julie Lythcott-Haims, this book is wonderful for all parents to read, no matter how young or old your child is.
Things to Take Away From this Book:
- Your child needs to learn to make their own mistakes in order to develop the inner determination, resilience, and resourcefulness they’ll need to succeed in life.
- On the other side of the same coin, YOU need to learn to identify, and set aside your natural parental hopes and fears in order to stop “overparenting”.
- Don’t treat things like grades, test scores, and accomplishments as though they are an accurate measure of success. Childhood is about making mistakes and learning from them. Not to mention, many people who have gone to be successful, world-renown artists, performers, and innovators performed very poorly in school and showed little interest in achievements in their early years!
- Listen to your children: You may just want what is best for them, but that is for them to decide- it is their life, not yours. If they make a bad decision, let them learn from it; If they make a positive decision on their own it will empower them and give them more self-confidence!
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- Many people have complained this book is not for every parent, and only applies to higher-income families. This seems to be true as Julie Lythcott-Haims formerly worked as the dean of students and admissions at Stanford University and was inspired to write this book by all the “helicopter moms” of prospective students she encountered while working there.
- While this book touts itself as being about how to raise an independent adult, it is really more about how to raise a teenager to have the drive to work towards getting into a good college without you having to hold their hand all the way. If you really are looking to raise a fully independent adult (past the college years, or regardless of whether or not they choose to go to college), this book will be a bit lacking.
- This book is severely lacking in facts or research and is really just the author’s opinion on how detrimental helicopter moms can be to their children based on her own personal experience with them. And we all know what opinions are like… That being said, no one likes a helicopter mom (especially their children), so there is still some knowledge to be found in her personal analysis.
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together
So You Can Live Too
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Most of us have one: That sibling who took the phrase, “sibling rivalry” to a whole new level and sabotaged you at every turn for their own gain, or to get out of trouble, or even just simply for their own amusement. Maybe you even were that sibling. Either way, behavior like this can lead to severely damaged sibling relationships that may never be repaired.
All the bickering will also cause an excessive amount of unnecessary stress on you as a parent. This book was written by two previously bestselling authors, who also happen to be parents and siblings. Adele Faber and her sister Elaine Mazlish joined forces on this book, setting out to learn ways to help their own children get along.
Things to Take Away From this Book:
- Learn how to determine if, when, and how to intervene in sibling disputes to ensure you make matters better, and not worse.
- Learn effective ways to reduce competition between siblings, encourage cooperation, dispell tension and deal with conflict as it arises.
- It is all too easy to shut children down when they are looking for someone to listen to them, understand, and help moderate an issue. Learn various techniques you can use to really hear what your children have to say.
- Master the art of handling conflict without resentment. This knowledge can not only be used and passed onto rival siblings but will help you to handle potential issues that arise with partners, family, friends, and coworkers!
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- This book focuses heavily on smoothing over issues by ensuring your children feel equal. While it is good to not force your children into certain roles or show favoritism in the household, this book does not really encourage teaching your children to be happy for other’s accomplishments.
- Sibling violence can sometimes arise and unfortunately, this author does not mention disciplining a child who physically bullies their sibling. If you do not discipline acts of violence in your household, one child could be left feeling scared in their own home while the other will have no reason to feel the need to stop the harassment.
- Most of the tips and techniques in the book only work for older children and will be completely useless when dealing with younger siblings who can often be much more ruthless and cruel in their treatment of one another.
- The book does suggest letting children get off with some pretty rude and unacceptable behavior towards their siblings and parents without any form of discipline. While it is important to address the fact that bad behavior is generally rooted in something deeper, it is also important to curb the behavior itself.
Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us
Laurie Kilmartin
Being a Mom is the most difficult job in the world and let’s be honest- some of us don’t feel like we’re any good at it. This guide to parenting was written by four veteran moms who want to help you negotiate your way through the eighteen-year (Face it: Usually much longer) hostage situation that is parenting.
This book will teach you invaluable techniques on how to do unbelievable things like sleep until 9:00 AM every weekend. This is a hilarious parenting guide that you have to have for those occasions when you’re feeling like a sh***y parent.
What to Take Away From this Book:
- This book helps remind parents that they are not alone in the struggle and teaches you to accept the fact that sometimes “good enough” is the best we can do.
- Remember that you are not the only one who feels like you are “failing” at parenting; Even Leonardo DaVinci and Isaac Newton’s mothers often felt like less than adequate parents while raising their children.
- Humans make mistakes and that’s okay. There’s no such thing as the “perfect parent”, so stop striving to be one!
- If you feel like there’s no way you can handle being in the PTA, assistant coaching little league, heading up a Girl Scout troop and the school’s monthly bake sale, all while still taking part in the carpool and excelling in your own aspirations, it’s because you can’t! Make time to take care of YOU so you can be a fulfilled, happy parent; Don’t take on more than you can handle (or more than you want to handle)!
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- While this is a wonderful book that does give some solid advice, other advice given in this book is meant as a joke and definitely should not actually be used as a parenting technique. If you’re especially gullible, take everything literally, or have a difficult time discerning fantasy from reality, this is not the book for you,
- The “Sh-tty Mom” Quiz in the book is humorous and something we can all relate to but remember, no matter how high you score, you are not a sh-tty parent! Don’t take the things this book says to heart; We have all done at least one “Sh-tty Mom” thing on the list at one point or another!
Funny Parenting Books you should read
Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures
by Amber Dusick
“The drawings aren’t very good, Mama.”
—Crappy Boy, age 5
Of course you love being a parent. But sometimes, it just sucks. I know. I’m Amber Dusick and I started my blog Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures because I needed a place to vent about the funny (and frustrating) day-to-day things that happened to me as a parent. Turns out, poop is hilarious! At least when you’re not the one wiping it up.
This book won’t make your frustrating moments any less crappy. But these stories about my Crappy Baby, Crappy Boy and my husband, Crappy Papa, will hopefully make you laugh. Because you’re not alone. And sometimes the crappiest moments make the best memories. Parenting is wonderful! And also, well, you know.
The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting
by Bunmi Laditan
- Are you the confused parent of a toddler?
- Are you constantly disappointing the 2T in your life?
- Are you tired, stressed out, and looking for relief?
I can’t help you with that last one, but if you want to become an A+ servant to your small child, this book is for you. Who better to teach you about toddlers than another toddler?
In this book you’ll learn:
• How time-outs make you look like a fool
• Why potty training is not only unnecessary but unrealistic for children under eighteen
• Why toddler beds are OUT and letting your child sleep on the diagonal in your bed is IN
• The best way to apologize to your toddler for all of those Pinterest casseroles
• That when you love someone, you accept them as they are, pants or no pants
The hard-hitting knowledge in The Honest Toddler will save you thousands of dollars in unnecessary whole grains and toothbrushes.
Happy reading. You’re doing the right thing. For once.
Parenting Books you should NOT learn from
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
by Amy Chua
While “Tiger Mother” is a phrase that is not widely known, it’s heavily used in the therapy sessions of Asian-American adults whose parents pushed them way too hard “for their own good”. The specific phrase referring to this parenting technique is mostly used among Asian-American people, however, “Tiger Moms” can come from any race, religion, or background and can be found all around the world.
If you’ve ever seen a “pageant mom” or “dance mom” admonish their child for not placing first, or a parent yelling at their over-achieving child for not knowing how to spell a particularly difficult word in a spelling competition, then you’ve seen a “Tiger Mom.”
What to Take Away From this Book:
- If you grew up with a “Tiger Mom” and are still holding onto resentment and struggling to deal with the extreme amount of pressure she put on you as a child, this book could be a helpful way to better understand the thinking behind her parenting techniques and bring you some closure. Not to mention, if your Tiger Mother is still trying to control your life in invasive and overbearing ways (being a Tiger Mother, I’m sure she is), this book may help you become so well-informed on how her crazy mind works that you may actually be able to reason with her and convince her to back off… at least a little bit.
- Perhaps you are seeing “Tiger Mom” tendencies in your co-parent and are concerned about how your children will be negatively affected by this behavior in the future. Again, reading this book may actually help you understand their worries and thought the process in using this technique well enough that you can dispel their fears, respectfully share your point and convince them to stop.
- This book does teach parents to accept the fact and instill into their children, that the child is not unique or special simply for existing. Many children grow up believing this to be true due to their parents over-reactions to any tiny accomplishment, but that can often lead to them developing into cocky adults with a false sense of entitlement.
- Overall, this is a great story of a mother trying to do what she thinks is best while raising her children. You may be able to connect with it as a parent on some level but should certainly avoid looking to it as an insightful and effective guide to parenting.
When you should apply your critical thinking?
- Micro-managing every aspect of your child’s life, as this book suggests, won’t allow them the independence to spread their wings and reach their full potential. Even if they have a good career and are successful in their line of work, what good is that if they are unhappy in their line of work and other aspects of their lives?
- The author of this book encourages being critical of your children in order to push them to be the best that they can be; However, there is a limit to how much you should push someone. The author has even stated that when her daughter was only four years old, she criticized a handmade birthday card she received from her. That is definitely taking things a bit overboard.
- Children do not need to, nor should they strive, to be “the best” at everything they do. This author encourages parents to instill that false belief into their children and punish them for not living up to their unusually high standards. The most important thing is that your children feel happy, fulfilled, and have the opportunity to find their own way in life!
- Bullying your children is very different from pushing them “for their own good”; Unfortunately, this book often fails to see the difference.