‘Boys Don’t Cry’- Rethinking Traditional Parenting Phrases

One pleasant evening, we sat in the garden with some of our childhood friends and talked about the childhood we had compared to the childhood of our children. Some of my friends remembered some unforgeable phrases their parents used to say. With a hand on my heart, I cringed a little to hear some of these sentences.

Parenting styles and methods have evolved over time, and with each passing generation, we see a shift in how parents interact with their children. What was once considered acceptable or even encouraged in the past is now deemed inappropriate or harmful. As our understanding of child development and psychology grows, we continue to learn new ways to support and nurture our children.

Let’s explore some common phrases that were commonly used by parents in the past and how our attitudes towards them have changed over time. We’ll also discuss more effective and positive ways to communicate with our children, based on current research and best practices.

“Children should be seen and not heard.”

This phrase was a common phrase that parents used to tell their children in the past. They believed that children should only speak when spoken to and should not interrupt adults. This was seen as a way to teach children to be respectful and obedient.

Parents used to think that children were not as smart or knowledgeable as adults, so they didn’t value their opinions or thoughts. They believed that children should learn to be quiet and obedient, so they could grow up to be good citizens and follow the rules. However, today we understand that children are unique individuals with their own thoughts, ideas, and perspectives. It’s important for children to express themselves and be heard, so they can develop their own identity and self-confidence.

“Boys don’t cry”.

When I was a child, people used to have different ideas about what it meant to be a boy or a man. They thought that boys always needed to be tough and strong, and that showing emotions like crying was a sign of weakness. But now we know that this is not true at all! Today, we know that it’s okay for boys (and everyone) to cry and express their feelings.

Everyone has emotions, and it’s important to be able to express them and talk about them, no matter who you are. In fact, crying can be a really healthy way to let out your feelings and feel better. It’s just like how some people feel better after a good laugh or a good workout – crying can release tension and make you feel more relaxed.

It might sound obvious, but we are meant to feel our feelings – every single one of them!

“Eat everything on your plate”.

In the past, parents used to say “Eat everything on your plate” as a way to teach children to not be wasteful and appreciate the food they had. Back then, food might have been scarcer or harder to come by, so it was important to not waste any of it. Additionally, parents might have believed that finishing all the food on their child’s plate would ensure that they were getting all the nutrients they needed to grow strong and healthy.

When we eat, our bodies tell us when we’re full and we don’t need to eat anymore. But if we always finish everything on our plates, even when we’re not hungry anymore, we can start to eat too much and that’s not healthy for our bodies. So it’s okay to leave some food on your plate if you’re full, and you don’t have to feel bad about it! You can save the leftovers for later or share them with someone else who might be hungry.

It’s important to listen to our bodies and eat when we’re hungry and stop eating when we’re full. That way, we can make sure we’re giving our bodies the right amount of food and keeping ourselves healthy.

Because of the obesity epidemic in the Western world, I think it should be said: “DON’T eat everything on your plate”.

“Because I said so.”

Parents often say “because I said so” as a way to assert their authority and make it clear that their decision is final. Sometimes, children might ask “why” or argue about a decision, and parents might feel that they need to put their foot down and end the discussion. They might also say this when they feel that a particular question or issue has been discussed enough and it’s time to move on.

And sometimes, they say that, just because they can…

While it’s important for children to learn to respect their parents’ authority, it’s also important for parents to explain their reasoning and help their children understand why certain decisions are being made

It helps children develop critical thinking skills and a sense of autonomy. When parents explain the reasons behind their decisions, children can learn to make their own decisions based on logical thinking and sound reasoning.

Additionally, when children understand why certain rules are in place or why certain actions are required, they are more likely to comply with them willingly and with a positive attitude. This can help improve the parent-child relationship and reduce conflicts between parents and children. Furthermore, explaining the reasoning behind decisions can help children feel heard and respected, which can increase their self-esteem and confidence.

“Stop being such a girl.”

Parents may have said “Stop being such a girl” in the past because there was a stereotype that girls were weak or overly emotional, and that boys should be tough and stoic. This attitude was based on outdated and harmful gender roles that suggested that there were certain traits that were exclusively masculine or feminine.

Unfortunately, this stereotype still exists in some parts of society today, even though we know that gender doesn’t determine personality or behavior. The phrase “stop being such a girl” implies that being a girl is a negative thing, which is not only untrue but also harmful to girls and women. It can also make boys and men feel pressure to conform to traditional gender roles, even if those roles don’t align with their true selves.

It’s important to challenge harmful gender stereotypes and encourage children to be themselves, regardless of their gender. Everyone should be allowed to express their emotions and personality in healthy and authentic ways, without fear of being judged or shamed.

“I’m disappointed in you.”

Parents might say “I’m disappointed in you” when they feel let down by their child’s behavior or actions. They may have had certain expectations or hopes for their child, and when those expectations are not met, they may express their disappointment.

This sentence is often used as a tool of emotional manipulation. When a parent says this, it can make the kid feel guilty and ashamed, as if they have let his parent down. This phrase used to make someone feel like they are not meeting expectations or have failed in some way.

Manipulative people may use this phrase to control and manipulate others, using guilt and shame to get them to do what they want. It can be especially harmful when used repeatedly over time, as it can erode the other person’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It’s important to communicate disappointment in a healthy and constructive way, without using it as a means of control or manipulation.

However, it’s important for parents to be mindful of how they express their disappointment and to avoid making their child feel shame or guilt. Instead, parents can use the opportunity to have a conversation with their child about what went wrong and how they can work together to make things better in the future.

It’s also important to remember that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks at times, and that it’s okay to feel disappointed. But it’s important to use that disappointment as a way to learn and grow, rather than as a way to tear someone down.

“Wait until your father/mother gets home.”

The phrase “Wait until your father/mother gets home” was often used by parents to threaten their children with punishment from the other parent. It was a way for parents to avoid disciplining their children themselves and to shift the responsibility onto the other parent.

While this phrase may have been used with good intentions, it can be manipulative because it creates fear and anxiety in the child. The child may feel like they are in trouble and that they have no control over the situation. It can also create a divide between the parents and the child, as the child may feel like they can’t trust or rely on their parents for support.

Additionally, if the other parent does come home and discipline the child, it can create resentment and anger towards that parent. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and relationships within the family. Instead of using this phrase, parents should communicate with each other and work together to discipline their children in a fair and consistent manner.

“You’re too young to understand.”

This phrase was often used to dismiss children’s questions or concerns. Parents may have said that when they believed that their child wasn’t mature enough to comprehend certain information or situations. However, this phrase can be dismissive of a child’s thoughts and feelings, and it can create a lack of trust between the child and the parent.

Today, we understand that children are capable of understanding complex ideas and emotions, and we should strive to communicate with them in an age-appropriate way. Even if we believe that a child may not fully understand a situation, we can still offer them some explanation or reassurance that can help them feel valued and heard. Additionally, encouraging children to ask questions and express their thoughts can foster a deeper level of trust and understanding between parents and children.

“You’re not allowed to have an opinion.”

In the past, parents may have said that to their children because they believed that children didn’t have enough life experience or knowledge to form valid opinions. However, today we understand that everyone, regardless of age, has the right to their own thoughts and opinions. It’s important for children to learn how to express their opinions in a respectful and constructive manner, and for parents to listen and engage in meaningful discussions with their children.

Encouraging children to share their opinions can help them develop critical thinking skills, which is a skill we definitely want our kids to have.

Parents can also help their children learn how to communicate their opinions effectively and respectfully by modeling good communication skills and creating a safe space for open dialogue. By valuing and respecting their children’s opinions, parents can help foster a positive and empowering relationship with them and create a sense of mutual trust and understanding.

“Stop being a baby.”

This phrase is something that parents might say when they think their child is overreacting or being too sensitive. They might say it to encourage their child to toughen up and be more resilient. However, this phrase can be hurtful and dismissive of a child’s feelings. It implies that being emotional or vulnerable is a bad thing, which can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem.

Today we understand that this approach can be damaging to a child’s emotional development and can lead to a lack of empathy and understanding for others’ emotions. Instead, we should encourage children to express their emotions in healthy ways and provide them with the support and comfort they need to develop into emotionally intelligent adults.

It’s important to understand that children have complex emotions, just like adults, but they may not have the language or coping skills to express them effectively. When parents dismiss their children’s emotions by telling them to “stop being a baby,” it sends the message that their feelings are not valid or important. This can lead to feelings of shame or guilt for expressing emotions, which can impact their mental health in the long run. Instead, parents should validate their children’s emotions and provide them with the tools to express themselves in healthy ways.

Parents can take the time to listen to their child’s concerns and offer support and guidance. Encouraging a child to be emotionally intelligent and empathetic can help them develop strong relationships and navigate the challenges of life with confidence and grace.

“You’re not old enough to understand.”

In the past, parents may have said that to their children when they asked about something that was too complicated or inappropriate for their age. This was often seen as a way of protecting children from information that might be confusing, scary, or morally ambiguous. Parents believed that by shielding their children from certain topics, they could preserve their innocence and keep them from growing up too quickly.

However, today we know that it’s important to be honest with children and give them age-appropriate information about the world around them. Children are naturally curious and eager to learn, and by shutting down their questions, we risk discouraging their intellectual development and undermining their trust in us as parents or caregivers. It’s important to find a balance between protecting children from harm and allowing them to explore and understand the world in a healthy way.

“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”

In the past, some parents used to say things like “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!” when their kids were upset and crying. They thought that this would make their children stop crying and behave better. Maybe they believed that by threatening their child with something even worse, it would make them stop crying and behaving in a way that was deemed inappropriate.

But today, we know that this kind of statement can be harmful and hurtful to children.

Threatening a child with physical or emotional harm can lead to feelings of fear and insecurity and can even perpetuate a cycle of violence or aggression.

It’s important for parents to understand that crying is a natural way for children (and adults too!) to express their emotions. Telling a child that they will be punished for crying can make them feel ashamed or afraid of expressing their emotions in the future. Instead, parents can try to comfort their child and help them understand and process their feelings. It’s okay to cry and it’s important to create a safe space for children to express their emotions without fear of punishment or ridicule.

“I don’t care what your friends are doing.”

This phrase was used to dismiss children’s desires to fit in with their peers.

Maybe parents wanted to encourage their children to make their own decisions and not simply follow what their friends were doing. They may have believed that their children needed to learn to think for themselves and not just go along with the crowd. Additionally, parents may have wanted to set boundaries and rules for their children that were separate from what their friends were allowed to do. Today, we encourage parents to understand and validate their children’s social needs. We know the importance of socialization and peer influence in child development, and it’s important for parents to balance setting boundaries with allowing their children to have healthy social interactions with their peers.

“You’re being a drama queen.”

This statement was used to blame kids for expressing their feelings, especially girls. Today, we understand how crucial it is for kids of all genders to be able to express their emotions in healthy ways. We also understand that gender stereotypes may be detrimental and restrict how children express their emotions. As a result, we advise parents to support their kids in understanding and respectfully expressing their emotions. Children can benefit from this as they learn healthy emotional control techniques and build strong self-esteem.

“Don’t talk back to me.”

Children who dared to question their parents were silenced with this sentence. It served as a method of preventing kids from confronting authority figures or their parents’ decisions. Children were expected to simply comply with instructions without questioning them because doing otherwise was viewed as a show of disrespect and disobedience. Today, though, we recognize how crucial it is for kids to develop critical thinking abilities and the capacity to respectfully express their thoughts and opinions. Although they should be receptive to their children’s viewpoints and open to having productive conversations with them, parents can still set limits and enforce rules

“You’re embarrassing me.”

This phrase was used to put pressure on children to behave in a way that reflects well on their parents.

Parents felt their child’s behavior or actions were making them look bad in front of other people. They may have thought that their child’s behavior was a reflection of their own parenting skills and were concerned about what others would think of them. However, today we know that it’s important to support our children and guide them in appropriate behavior without shaming or embarrassing them. We should focus on helping our children learn and grow, rather than worrying about how we appear to others.

“I told you so.”

This phrase was used to make children feel bad for making mistakes or taking risks.

This is a phrase that parents used to use in the past to show that they were right about something. It was their way of saying “I knew this would happen” and sometimes it was said in a way to make the child feel guilty for not listening to their advice or warning. However, this phrase can also be hurtful and make the child feel discouraged or invalidated. Nowadays, parents try to use more positive language and avoid making their child feel bad for their mistakes. They may still give advice and offer guidance, but in a more supportive and encouraging way.

“You have to share with your sibling/friend.”

This phrase was used to force children to share even when they didn’t want to.

In the past, parents would often encourage their children to share their toys, snacks, or other things with their siblings as a way to teach them to be kind and considerate towards others. They believed that sharing would help their children develop important social skills and build stronger relationships with their siblings. It was also a way to prevent conflicts between siblings and teach them to compromise and take turns.

Today, we encourage children to share but we also respect their ownership and boundaries. We teach them to communicate their needs and negotiate solutions. This helps children learn important social skills like empathy, cooperation, and problem-solving, while also respecting their individuality and personal belongings. Additionally, we understand that forcing children to share can create resentment and conflict, and it’s important to allow them to make their own choices about sharing.

“Share nicely or you won’t have any friends.”

This phrase was used to make children feel guilty for not sharing. The idea was that if a child wasn’t willing to share their toys or treats, then other children may not want to play with them or be their friend. However, today we know that children should be taught to share and cooperate with others in a positive and respectful way, rather than using threats or fear tactics. It’s important for children to understand the benefits of sharing, such as building strong relationships and making others feel valued and respected.

“It’s not fair, but that’s life.”

Parents may have said this to teach their children that sometimes things happen that are out of our control and may not be fair. It was a way to prepare children for the reality that life can be challenging and unpredictable. By acknowledging this, children can learn to cope with difficult situations and develop resilience. However, it’s also important for parents to acknowledge and address unfairness when possible, and to teach children about the importance of fairness and justice in society.

“You don’t feel that way.”

In the past, parents might have said this phrase to dismiss their child’s emotions or feelings, often when they were upset or angry. They may have thought that their child’s emotions were irrational or not valid. However, today we know that it is important to validate and acknowledge a child’s feelings, even if we don’t always agree with them. It is important for children to feel heard and understood, and for parents to help their children learn how to manage and express their emotions in a healthy way.

“Don’t cry for such silly things.”

In the past, parents might have said this to their children when they were upset about something that the parent deemed insignificant or unimportant. The parent might have believed that the child’s reaction was an overreaction or unnecessary. However, today we recognize that children’s feelings and emotions are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge and validate their feelings, even if we don’t understand why they are upset.

Final thoughts

In conclusion, the phrases and attitudes of the past do not necessarily reflect the best practices for parenting today. We have learned that shaming, dismissing, and invalidating a child’s emotions can have long-term negative effects on their well-being. Instead, we should strive to listen to our children, empathize with them, and help them express their feelings in healthy ways. Encouraging children to think critically, express their opinions, and make choices can also promote their growth and development. By understanding the harmful effects of certain phrases and attitudes, we can work towards creating a more positive and empowering parenting style for the future.